i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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