Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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