I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
