I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Randomize
