i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
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