1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
