The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Randomize
