So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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