remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
