my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Randomize
