True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
