i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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