Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
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He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
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75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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