He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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