Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
