Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
