I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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