This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
