ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
