After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
