the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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