there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
