If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
