And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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