I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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