Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I think we might need a safe word for this...
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
