What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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