Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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