What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
