gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
