my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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