i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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