She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
