At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
