so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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