if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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