I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
