I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize