Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
