farters have to be the big spoon...
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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