Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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