Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
