Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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