sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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