took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize