My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
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