When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
