sarcasm needs its own font
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
