Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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