I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I love you. Go after that dick
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
