mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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