Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
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