I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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