i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
