You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
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They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
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She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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