3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
