i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
She's the barista slut.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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